The Cologne You Kept

I see my ex for the first time since we broke up,but I smell them before I find them.

Same cologne.One breath, and my body remembers Rowan before my heart is ready.

ana. Hey. You went pale all at once.

The living room is full of soft voices and paper plates.

Somewhere behind you, that cologne lingers like it's following you.

Alex?

You mean Alex's family? They're in the kitchen. Everyone's being very brave about the casserole.

Alex's photos are everywhere tonight.

In one of them, you and Rowan stand on either side of them, laughing at something you've long forgotten.

Why do you keep looking at the door, ana? Who are you afraid is coming through it?

Rowan...

So you knew they'd come.

ana, they already did. They've been here almost an hour.

Jamie doesn't have to point. Your eyes find the far side of the room on their own.

Rowan, I think you should see this.

Avery's voice is low, but it carries across the whole hush of the room.

Somewhere across it, someone has gone very still.

Jamie he can't see me

ana. Breathe. It's been almost a year. You've survived worse than one room.

Jamie's hand finds your shoulder, but their eyes are already somewhere past you.

And Rowan — they — are turning. Toward you, or toward Avery, or toward nothing at all.

Too late to hide.

The room holds its breath. Every eye finds a place to be except on you.

I'm right here. Whatever happens, I'm right here.

Your heart is so loud you're sure the whole room can hear it.

Then I find them across the room.

Rowan has one arm around someone I have never seen before.

Same face I spent months teaching myself not to miss.

Rowan looks up.

The second they see me, their smile disappears.

Rowan walks away first

The cologne stays behind.

Jamie appears beside me.

“You know Rowan stopped wearing that after you broke up.”

I look across the room.

Jamie lowers their voice.

“Tonight is the first time they wore it again.”

First time in almost a year. And you know what that means, ana.

Across the room, Rowan stands with Avery near the bookshelf, half-turned away.

Their shoulders are wrong. You know that posture. Bracing.

Alex would've hated this. Both of you on opposite sides of their room.

Jamie's eyes flick toward the kitchen, giving you an out you don't take.

Jamie...

I know. I know that tone.

You have two choices. Kitchen, or them. I'll come with you either way.

The cologne drifts over again as someone opens the back door.

Your feet haven't moved an inch.

ana. Whatever you came here to say — you came here to say it.

I came here cause his mother invited me...

I know. She invited them too. Separately.

ana — she lost her kid. She wasn't playing matchmaker tonight.

Then the room shifts, the way it does when someone starts walking through it.

Rowan is crossing toward you. Avery trails a step behind.

Here we go. I'm not going anywhere.

Rowan stops an arm's length away, hands shoved in pockets, eyes on the carpet.

You came. I wasn't sure you would.

Jamie...My water broke!

What? ana, you're — no. No, you're not. What are you talking about?

Jamie's hand grips your arm, searching your face for the joke that isn't there.

ana. Look at me.

Rowan's eyes come up off the carpet for the first time, wide and frightened.

You're shaking. That's not — nothing broke. You're standing in Alex's mother's living room.

Avery has stepped closer from the bookshelf, watching the three of you now.

The whole room has gone quiet around you, paper plates stilled in hands.

Whatever this is — whatever you just said — you don't have to hold it alone. Not tonight.

Avery moves in beside Rowan, close enough now to be part of it.

The room holds its breath around you, plates forgotten, the cologne still hanging in the air between you and Rowan.

I've got you. Just breathe. Nobody's going anywhere.

Avery's eyes move from your face to Rowan's, and something in them softens, like a decision being made.

Avery looks between us.

“I should probably clear something up.”

“Rowan and I are not together.”

My chest forgets how to breathe.

Avery gives Rowan a look.

“Tell them why you wore it.”

Rowan looks down.

“I kept one bottle.”

“I haven’t touched it since we ended.”

Their eyes finally meet mine.

“Jamie told me you might be here tonight.”

“I wore it because I needed to know if you would still turn around.”

I hate that I did.

I hate more that part of me is glad I did.

Rowan takes one step closer.

“I never stopped loving you.”

For one second

every ending I imagined starts rewriting itself.

Then Rowan whispers,

“But loving each other was never the part we were bad at.”

And there it is.

The reason we ended,

still standing between us.

Rowan leaves before either of us can turn memory into another promise.

The door closes.

I realize some people stop being yours long before

they stop feeling like home.